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 Insight & Humor for...   

                Jokes - Riddles - Poetry - Bits of Wisdom            the Human Race 

Jokes

The Biggest Lie

     A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

     The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

     One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

     Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

     There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

 

The Rabbi's Son

     There once was a Rabbi. His son was quickly reaching adulthood and he felt his son just didn't have the appreciation for the Jewish religion that an adult should have so he decided to send him on a trip to the holy lands to get a first hand look at Jewish culture.

     The boy came back from the trip and the father was asking him how it went.  "Oh it was really great dad, thanks! But, I must tell you that I'm a Christian now."

     The father was none too pleased and felt he had to do something but didn't know what.  He went to a fellow Rabbi and told him the situation.  

The Rabbi exclaimed, "don't look at me! I sent my son to Jerusalem and he came back a Christian also. 

     Their combined opinion was that it was a conspiracy and decided to go to the Head Rabbi.  The Head Rabbi exclaimed, "Don't look at me! I too sent my son to Jerusalem and he came back a Christian.   This is something we MUST pray over."

     All three kneeled and prayed and God answered: "Don't look at me...."

Political Kittens

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. 

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

 

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

 

Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

 

"Democrats," the child says.

 

"Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

 

A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

 

Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

 

Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."

 

The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

 

"Whoa!" Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats.  What's up?"

 

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

Behold, I Cometh...

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

 

He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.  So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.

 

So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!

 

He was embarrassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered... "It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"

 

 

 

                               

                                     Died In Service

 

     One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

     

     The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

     

     "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

     

     "Pastor....what is this?"

     

     "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service".

      

     Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.  Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service? ...... the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

 

 

 

 

 

Heavenly Rates 

     

     A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
     "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
     "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
     "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
     "Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
     "One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
     "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
     "TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
     "Come on in!"

 

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This Week's Riddle

 

 

 

Who is the fastest runner

in history?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer...

 

ADAM.  He was FIRST in the HUMAN RACE !

 

 

 

 

Last Week's Riddle

 

The more you have of it

the less you see.

 

...what is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

 

 

Answer...

 

DARKNESS

 

 

 

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Poetry Corner

 

 

 

The Pebble

What God Hath Promised

Don't Quit

Your Gift

When I say "I am a Christian"

Changes

This Too Shall Pass

Time Enough

Manna From Heaven

Unfolding The Rose

 

 

 

 

 

THE PEBBLE

 

Drop a pebble in the water: just a splash, and it's gone;

But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on,

Spreading, spreading from the center, flowing on out to the sea.

And there is no way of telling where the end is going to be.

 

Drop a pebble in the water: in a minute you forget,

But there's little waves a-flowing, and there's ripples circling yet,

And those little waves a-flowing to a great big wave have grown;

You've discovered a mighty river just by dropping in a stone.

 

Drop an unkind word, or carelessness: in a minute it is gone;

But there's a half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on.

They keep spreading, spreading, spreading from the center as they go,

And there's no way to stop them, once you've started them to flow.

 

Drop and unkind word, or carelessness: in a minute you forget;

But there's little waves a-flowing, and there's ripples circling yet,

And perhaps in some sad heart a mighty wave of tears you've stirred,

And disturbed a life was happy ere you dropped that unkind word.

 

Drop a word of cheer and kindness: just a flash and it is gone;

But there's a half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on,

Bearing hope and joy and comfort on each splashing, dashing wave

Till you wouldn't believe the volume of the one kind word you gave.

 

Drop a word of cheer and kindness: in a minute you forget;

But there's gladness still a-swelling, and there's joy circling yet,

And you've rolled a wave of comfort whose sweet music can be heard

Over miles and miles of water just by dropping one kind word.

 

~ Author Unknown

 

 

 

 

 

What God Hath Promised

 

God hath not promised

Skies always blue,

Flower-strewn pathways

All our lives through;

God hath not promised

Sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow,

Peace without pain.

 

But God hath promised

Strength for the day,

Rest for the labor,

Light for the way,

Grace for the trials,

Help from above,

Unfailing sympathy,

Undying love.

 

- Annie Johnson Flint

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't Quit

 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

 

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.

 

Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far; 

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem worst, that

YOU MUST NOT QUIT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOUR GIFT

 

 Be sure to share your "gift" today

with someone along life's way;

though it may, to that one in need,

be a gift he can not repay.

 

Search deep within yourself

to find those special traits,

which God has gifted especially to you,

for uplifting others today.

 

Reach out and touch another

with the love God has placed deep within.

For, even when your own heart is heavy,

there is one whose heart you can tend.

 

So remember to think of someone today

whose life you may somehow touch,

that through the special gift God has given you,

He might reveal His love.

 

For the greatest gift we can offer another

is the precious gift of God's Love, 

and to help one discover his own special gift,

lovingly bestowed from above.

 

 

~ by Angela Hall Dobbins

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I say "I am a Christian"

 

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost!  That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved


Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHANGES

It's often Hard to make a change
Of home or job for something strange.
To leave behind familiar faces,
To start anew in other places.

And though it's hard to go away
You know you can no longer stay.
The things you've learned will go with you
And in a way each friend will, too.

Every one we've left behind
Has left impressions on our mind.
A special memory of each one
Of favorite things that they have done.

A new adventure lies ahead.
Throw aside your fears and dread.
The door is open, venture through.
The time has come to start anew!

By Linda Dallis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Too Shall Pass

 

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be -

If I can remain calm and quiet

With all my world crashing about me,

When everyone else seems to doubt me -

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

The darkness will fade with the morning

And that this will pass away, too -

Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness

And trying to fill me with fear -

For there is no night without dawning

And I know that my morning is near.

 

~ Helen Steiner Rice

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time Enough

 

I wish you Time enough to take the slow lane,

Vision enough to 'see' the wildflowers,

Wisdom enough to drink in their fragrance,

Peace enough to 'feel' the river,

Quiet enough to hear creation's songs,

And Freedom enough to just let go and Dance!

 

~Angela Hall Dobbins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Manna From Heaven

 

 

In looking back over the course of my life, I realize...

the Lord has a way of directing and shaping our lives.

Sometimes we do not understand, and struggle

to learn the lessons He is attempting to teach us.

 

Funny how Trust works...

sometimes it seems the more we grow and learn to trust Him,

the more our faith is tested.  We each face our own set 

of trials and difficult circumstances...

moving across hills, mountains and valleys. 

But, through it all, He is our One true constant source

of hope and direction...our Compass.

And His Word is our Map.

 

Sometimes the storms are so dark and

turbulence is all around us. Yet, He is there

with every step...and He is faithful.

He is our Shelter and our Guide...our faithful Shepherd.

 

And, when the roughest storms are past,

after sheltering us, even carrying us in His arms,

He gently sets our feet back on solid ground.

And we are a little stronger, a little surer footed than before.

 

He has renewed us for yet another day,

another portion of our journey...

in which we will discover new lessons,

new opportunities, and new blessings.

 

His tender mercies and compassions are so sweet...

like manna from Heaven.

How thankful are our hearts for His provisions!

 

 

by Angela Hall Dobbins

 

Lamentations 3:22-24

" It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, 

because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfolding The Rose

 

 

It is only a tiny rosebud,

a flower of God's design:

But I can not unfold the petals

with these clumsy hands of mine.

 

The secret of unfolding flowers

is not known to such as I;

God opens the flowers so sweetly,

when in my hands they fade and die.

 

If I can not unfold the rosebud,

this flower of God's design,

Then how can I think I have wisdom

to unfold this life of mine.

 

So I'll trust in Him for His leading

each moment of every day.

I will look to Him for His guidance

each step of the pilgrim way.

 

The pathway which lies before me

only my Heavenly Father knows.

I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,

just as He unfolds the rose.

 

~ Author Unknown

 

 

 

 

 

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Bits of Wisdom

 

 

 

 

Proverbs 25:11 "A word aptly spoken is like 

apples of gold in settings of silver" NIV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do It Anyway

 

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  

Forgive them anyway.

 If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  

It was never between you and them anyway.

 

The verses above reportedly were written on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta, and are widely attributed to her. 

Some sources say that the words above were written on the wall in Mother Teresa's own room.  In any case, their association with Mother Teresa and the Missionaries of Charity has made them popular worldwide, expressing as they do, the spirit in which they lived their lives.

 

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Daily Survival Kit

 

Items Needed:

Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag
Eraser
Rubber Band
Toothpick
Chewing Gum
Band Aid
Pencil

 

Why?????

 

 

TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. - *Matthew 7:1

RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. - *Romans 8:28

BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. - *Colossians 3:12-14

PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. - *Ephesians 1:3

ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay. - *Genesis 50:15-21

CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it, and you can accomplish anything. - *Philippians 4:13

MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint. - *John 3:16-17

CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. - * John 4:7

TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and go over your list of blessings. - *1 Thessalonians 5:18

*Relevant Scriptures

 

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This is maturity:  

 

To be able to stick with a job 

until it is finished;
To be able to bear an injustice 

without wanting to get even; 

To be able to carry money 

without spending it;
And to do one's duty 

without being supervised.

 

 

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                    Today's To-Do List


1. Smile at a stranger.
2. Listen to someone's heart.
3. Drop a coin where a child can find it.
4. Learn something new, then teach it to someone.
5. Tell someone you're thinking of him or her.
6. Don't hold a grudge.
7. Don't be afraid to say, "I'm sorry."
8. Look at child in the eye and tell them how great they are.
9. Look beyond the face of a person and into their heart.
10. Make a promise and keep it.
11. Call someone, for no other reason than just to say "hi."
12. Show kindness to an animal.
13. Stand up for what you believe in.
14. Smell the rains, feel the breeze, listen to the wind.
15. Use all your senses to their fullest.
16. Cherish all your Todays!

~ Author Unknown

 

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LOVE

 

The strongest evidence of love is sacrifice.
     ...No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's 

life for one's friends.   John 15:13

 

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Somebody

 

I asked, "Why doesn't somebody do something?"  

Then I realized I was somebody.

 

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A Seamstress's Wisdom

 

"A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel."

 

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The Simple Path

by
Mother Teresa

The fruit of silence is
PRAYER

The fruit of prayer is
FAITH

The fruit of faith is
LOVE

The fruit of love is
SERVICE

The fruit of service is
PEACE

 

 

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